No Medicine for Regret

I have all these words in my mind
are they really worth saying?
because none of them seem to be kind
but also, who is listening?

for I drove them all away
traded syllables for souls
and the few who did stay
are questioning their roles

as to what they seem to be
in the mechanism of my life
how quickly will they see
that it is not worth the strife?

so I play it patiently
knowing full well
that everyone eventually
will start to repel

all that I’ve become
it’ll only help them decide
that there’s no different outcome
only this inevitable divide

and the permanence of patterns
will always reveal
that nothing truly matters
because it’s all surreal

so I pick my poison
and watch you leave
no cause or reason
to try to believe

that you would stay
or maybe I would forget
but the poison finds its way
cause there’s no medicine for regret

I have these words in my mind
that my silence seems to be holding
but my voice I cannot seem to find
because these words have no meaning.

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Spiral

I find myself blinking
amidst an intermittent sleep cycle
for temporal coma to come calling
and save me from the spiral

of various thoughts and themes
how I wish I had a clue
a defense that once reigned supreme
is now falling through

for these tricks and taunts,
that the mind possesses 
are beginning to haunt
a heart that exposes,

the frailty of my personality
and the facades that follow
the bitter pills of reality
seem too hard to swallow

so the mind delves deeper
while my eyes flutter through the rotations
an afterthought begins to flicker
overthinking has set into motion

another night where I am blinking
due to an intermittent sleep cycle
but this time, I’m accepting
that I’m stuck inside this spiral.

Mentation

My mind may seem
as if it’s far from breaking
I’ve seen it in a dream
I don’t need any saving

yet I feel
there’s more to this reverie
so I try to steal
a moment of clarity

but does it really matter?
will I ever win?
for these moments merely flatter
the ego to believe in

the answers that I seek
often, through memories
but the past only speaks
of all the remedies

that reality could provide
when I was in my prime
so I look to confide
in the tyranny of time

and often, you would find
me staring at the rear view mirror
the one inside my mind
that helps me steer

through indifferent conversations
where I’d choose to pretend
that these evergreen experiences
help me defend

against the malice of my memories
and the pretence of my peers
so I stand at the brink of insanity
holding onto my fears

and that is when I feel
my mind is breaking
I don’t need a dream
to tell me I need saving

Afterglow

Through my smokey eyes
I watched you go
fading into the darkness
Another afterglow

I could see your silhouette
as it serenaded me in the silence
you seemed a bit hazy
perhaps it was the neurotic imbalance

or maybe I was just dreaming
perhaps thinking out loud
yet you were still phasing
as I gathered my whereabouts

after my opiate obsessions
came crashing down
it took my observations
onto cleaner grounds

yet, there you were
the silhouette of serenity
like my desire for dopamine
just another illusion of intimacy

So I played time
and receded into sobriety
yet the craving for consciousness
hung in uncertainty

as my depraved mind
kept asking for more
just one more delusion
just another afterglow.

Happiness: A First Person Perspective

I used to be found in times of youth
an emotion uncorrupted 
where my every act, albeit uncouth
came across unscripted

It was during those days
I had no definition
a free spirit that found its ways
not deemed as an emotion

but time, the eternal meddler
it too, found its way
from a baby to a toddler
I slowly began to sway

towards the tangible,
oft between toys and treats
it was only what was visible
that made my heart beat

and from a toddler to a child,
I found myself anew
still free, still wild
but slowly slipping into

the regiment of routine,
and the bustling of boundaries
when creating a scene
no longer ended in revelries

and I found myself attracted
to experiences unknown
as adolescence abducted
my innocence, now forlorn 

and suddenly, I seemed lost
tangled up in uncertainty
it came at the cost
the price of puberty

that is when you,
decided I was a mere guest
a fleeting moment that passed through
only accessible at your best

as a result
my appearances were controlled
something to do with you being an adult
and having no reason to uphold

the childish demeanor
that was flaunted without worry
where once I was eager
where once I wasn’t sorry

for as time had its say,
you slowly understood the feeling
I was never meant to stay
I was merely, a state of being

and so I found my mojo
as old age caught your hand
but how was I to know
that this was your final stand

and so you called upon me,
when life seemed to fade away
you said, “Happiness, I set you free,”
“But I know that you will stay.”

PS: The poem talks about how happiness speaks of itself, throughout the process of life. It has a negative look towards it, speaking about how it gradually diminishes as we grow old, from a toddler to a baby, a baby to a boy, from adolescence to adulthood, till you finally breathe your last. the final paragraph basically talks about how, at the time of death, we remember the good, happy times that we spent, and how in our time of death, we set happiness free, as everyone around is cries, not knowing that happiness/joy, stays, in memory, or through the loves ones you leave behind.

Nostalgia’s Lullaby

Our hands would always intertwine
trying to unravel the stories
from a strenuous time
buried under our worries
 
About moments and memories
where we would patronize
Our glorious victories
of togetherness, through our lies
 
But I never really told you
what it meant to me
that we couldn’t see things through
that we ended so abruptly
 
And given the opportunity
I’d wish for you to stay
just one last memory
that doesn’t end in dismay
 
If only, you’d stay
I’d offer you one last dance
to the rhythm of a time bomb
slowly ticking away
 
And perhaps we’d talk
over coffee and cream
and perhaps we’d walk
as we did, towards different dreams
 
And I guess if we spoke
I’d speak to you about closure
about the times where I woke
feeling pain, fleeing pleasure
 
But time was rather kind
as it began to design
A melancholic masterpiece
where our hands would always intertwine..

Dead Memories Vol 4.0

Links for the previous volumes in the series.
————————————————————
I twist and turn all night
kept awake by memories
the ones where wrong and right
have no boundaries

my visuals are rather clear
like it was only yesterday
when I wiped away my first tear
when I begged for you to stay,

Kept holding on to your tether
for no good reason
cause like the changing weather
you were just a passing season

so we waged our wars
while you were looking for fresh starts
and you closed your doors
trying to bury these scars

but little did I know
that all that I ever needed
to simply let go
was to hurt and be defeated

I guess we all need somebody to hurt
and you chose me to be
as dead to you
as I’ve been to me.